i feel like i complain alot...ok i know i do.

but seriously! i only write on here once in a while so i think i should be able to say what i have to. no ones making you endure the pain anyways...



on one note... my niece and nephew have been staying with us at my moms house for almost 2 weeks now...needless to say it reasured my notion that im not ready for children yet in life. lol.

on a stupid note..i met someone.

her names tesla...and i met her about almost 4 months ago..
the first day i saw her i thought she was the hottest girl i'd ever seen. which is werid for me considering i usually never say it outloud...but i did haha. one thing led to another and all that shit and well fastforeward to present day and here i sit writting this blog. with an ex who wants nothing to do with me because her new girlfriend doesn't want the drama.

and im one best friend short...

sad thing?? shes more interested in a relationship.
and im more interestd in being her friend and finding a way for her not to go to jail.

idk why im writing about this. im just extremely pissed off.
not at the fact that she has a girlfriend because come on be honest i dont give a rats ass. shes my ex. but on another note i do.
i think she doesn't give herself enough credit most the time...she honestly does deserve the world..but not in the way shes looking for it.

idk..

its whatever i guess.

all i know is that i can't care about it anymore...well i mean im going to worry im going to care about her no matter what but i'll just try and push it to the back of my mind since i know she doens't want to have anything to do with me.

its just hard.
loosing a friend.
and everyones all "brie i know your in love with her.." no. i was in love with her. and yeah i guess if you come down to it i would do anything to be with her again...but the truth is..i was just a rebound girl. i guess now i get why kaylans always upset with me...
i get it. it hurts.

so im done.

im sick of crying about her. and im sick of drugging myself to where i can barley function to not have my mind running thoughts and memories over and over again. im sick of the pictures i can't seem to put down and most of all im sick of the places im scared to go now...just cause i dont know if i could handle see her...


i love how i write everything im feeling on here cause i know no one is really reading it anyways...


but if anyone out there is reading this..

im sorry. for putting you through this depressing blog haha.
and just remember... "its not the end...its never the end."


pce.

so lately

my blog has been really depressing.
tough shit.
i dont feel like writting anything right now soooooyeah.

i give up on you.

Dear "i give up on you"
not something i would normally say. BUt right now i think its best that i do say it.
You were a big part of my life, at least in my eyes, I see now that we have gone different paths and as weird as this may seem, I'm greatful for that. After months and months of trying not to love you, i realized i'm not inlove anymore. Maybe I never was. You're someone I never thought i'd talk to. You're someone whose beliefs will always be different then mine, and from time to time you will continue to hold them over my head.

You're not the same person. You dont look the same. You don't talk the same. You don't see me as you used to see me, I can tell everytime we talk. were different now. And i'm greatful for that.

I honestly dont know who I'd be with you in my life.
I dont know who i'd be if things would have worked out differently.

you knew all my secrets.
all my dreams.
all my ambitions were set forth because of you.
and im done living my life for you.
I wish you would stop living it for them.

I am my own person.
I do not need your opion of me or anyting else for that matter.
I am something great.
in my own eyes, and thats all that matters.

I will find someone who loves me unconditonally.
I will have an amazing family one day.
and it will be no thanks to you.

love Brie.

bad day.

I feel like sometimes people dont listen to me. they think I'm just a giant joke. I know this post in all honesty wont be gramatically correct, but I just dont give a shit anymore.

I wish people would see me for me. yeah I'm not the same girl i used to be but my heart is as welcoming as it has always been.

I'm in love with you and your too blind to see it. too stubborn to see it.
I know you know, I can tell at the way you look at me when i look into your eyes. its so hard to hide though and i dont know if i can take it anymore.
I want to hide.
hide in a place that isn't my own at all and just submerge myself there until im willing to face the real world again.

People think just because I did bad in school im a moron and they can talk shit about me.
I'm not dumb, I just didn't want to be there. and I can prove it to you, if i wanted to.
I am my own person, and I will do things my own way regardless of what other people think of me.

I dont care about your opinons or your likings of me. anyone whose reading this should know that by now.

I miss my old friends, I miss missouri in a way that I wish i could go back.
I miss the atmosphere, I miss Kiley and Sarah the most though. I feel like they were right when they said i wasnt being "me" that night. I want to go back to me though. because honestly, when i lived in missouri i felt more like me than i have ever felt. I knew who i was and now being in this environment I have absloutly no idea who I am. I want to run.

is that bad? i mean I know it has to be bad in some aspect, but I mean really? Everyone must want to get away at some point and just be free.

I think i have too many things tieing me down to even consider it.
I want to go back to the old me. I want people to accept me.
I want to be skinny and I'd do anything in the world to feel comfortable in my own skin again.

I need to pick myself back up, I know i have to, but i'm not sure wher exactly to start.
I need my friends.
they are my biggest support group. no matter what happens between us.

I miss the way we all used to be in middle school, crazy right? we all couldn't wait to grow up, and now that we have....I want the old us back.
I feel like sometimes I dont know who you all are anymore. like we've each seperated without even knowing that.

I need to get away.
I need to find myself.
i need help and im not sure how to get that help in the sense of helping myself find me again.
so yeah...

Ironic.

don't you think? Ironic. how we all mesh together like one huge ball made out of composted garbage. tossed and kicked into the abyss of lifes hands and blossomed into a reality only known by true americans. Ironic. hm.

I wish i could let you know how i feel right here and now but I don't think that's a possibility. Lately I've come to realize that life is way shorter than i initally assed when i looked at the situation. ending infront of us before we even begin to fathom the idea of its game.

Have you see the Time travlers wife? im guessing yes if your nodding your head and no if your still staring here motionless reading these words as i type them onto the screen. Imagine life. leaving it and welcomining yourself whenever your body decided it was time. scary huh? Imagine a world filled with dissapointments and yet still a sense of hope and love. can't imagine it can you. can't even begin to think of what that would do to your life you live now? It would be scary. I do give it that much.

I recently felt like i have become someone new. someone I do not know of who I am but I am slowly finding out. I feel like a bum. As if im waisting my life away. And thats killing me more than ever. I wake up late, go to bed late. make it a point to at least go on my balcony and take in a breaht of fresh air before the sun sets in 2 hours. I find myself having a nightmare more than actually dreaming. I find myself waking up t cold sweats instead of that chillingness I use to.

Its crazy how we change isn't it?

From that little girl, who her biggest worry is if that boy shes in love with will take her to the dance. To the young women fending for herself and slowly growing apart from the family she's known all her life.

I recently looked up the meaning of a dream. And you're probably thinking, "wow a dream brie? really?! " but yes. And I'm not saying that I've ever done that before, and I would tell you, but I haven't. This dream just scared me so much that I had to. Anyways, the meaning of the dream was that something in my life was changing. a new chapter was beginning an old one was ending. and suddenly I felt myself not being able to handle things I once thought I could.

Its crazy how we learn isn't it?